It's funny. I've noticed that whenever I read old message threads on facebook (private messages mainly, sometimes wall-to-wall) I think back to myself, "wow, in its own way what a great time that was!". I don't think this about all periods - some do stick out as intensely boring, frustrating, passive or lonely. But on the whole when I look at the words I wrote I think that, whatever else was going on, they are the words of someone who was fundamentally happy and always had something to look forward to. While I am aware that nothing has ever been perfect, it is, say, the casual Spring walks to campus in third year and the vague sense of freedom that accomponied them which form the mental backdrop as I reread my words from that time, rather than any frustrations, longings, anxieties and apathies.
But the pertinent point is that I rarely think this about the present in this rose-tinted way, as the frustations, longings, anxieties and apathies are precisely the things which, by their very nature, attack one on a day-to-day basis.
Yet I know very well that in two years time, perhaps when I am a tired, lonely trainee accountant with a couple of spare hours on a Sunday reading this blogpost again, I shall once again resort to historicizing my experiences. "Ah yes, the heavy May, the golden summer! What a time of great achievement. I set myself a difficult task and I did it. I always knew I'd be succesful in the end you know... didn't I tell everyone."
Yet in a way I have started the historicizing already. I perhaps choose to charecterize this particular period of my life (i.e. applications) as say the final hurdle to becoming a full member of society and that everything hereafter will somehow fit in to a comfortable, structured, happy narrative. But I thought exactly the same at the time of my driving test, my 3rd year exams, my A-levels, and many more personal if rather subtle examples at that. Soon 'getting a job' will be just another thing on this list, and new hurdles, such as deciding where to work post-qualification, where to live, how ambitious to be, who to marry, children etc... may also produce the 'hurdles' phenomenon.
Actually I shouldn't be too linear about this. Nor should I assume all these 'stages' have equal weight. Getting my A-Levels done was probably harder than getting my 2:1 at university. Both of these had fixed dates. But my driving test, that was a whole new ball game. Technically it was more challenging, yet there was no limit to how many times I could take it.
And in truth getting a position on a graduate training scheme is amongst the most demanding things I have done, and I have treated it with due reverence. Yet I know that even if my Wednesday interview is not succesful, some other one will be at some stage. Either way, I'm sure some sort of narrative will develop around it and I'm sure I'll end up posting it here at some stage.
Monday, 23 May 2011
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