Reflections

It is weird to read my correspondences from the late August/early September period, being the time of transition between my old function in life to my new one. I am surprised at how much my attitudes have changed. Gone is the brutal, doctrinaire self-reliance, absurd sense of commitment and childish anxiety. These have been replaced by a more casual, comfortable, competent approach and a realisation that solitary ambitions (that is, ambitions focusing solely around personal achievement in specific areas, or status in general) are not all that sustainable and often bear little relation to the nuances of reality. In short, I feel more human and have never been more certain as to the general pointlessness of existence (something from which I draw only strength).

Most of this change actually came about during the recent exam season. One always goes in with the expectation, or indeed assumption, that with enough hard work and clarity of thought the learning materials can be mastered, even in the short space of time provided. I won't find out the results till the 20th July. In the end, everything ends up a messy scrap. One can not master the equivalent of three university modules' worth of material in six weeks - one simply has to hope that one has done enough to pass.

Another realisation (albeit one which came to fruition in January) is that one can not simply live life as a series of journies from one node of contentness and certainty to another, whatever these nodes may be. You must have the self-discipline to enjoy the journey itself. And it does take self-discipline. Any fool can fret and worry or give way to superstition. I use the term superstition in the broadest sense - trying to detect patterns in reality where there are none and forming false expectations of destiny as a result. It's familar but true - there are only so many months we have, and a month fretting is a month altogether wasted.

Success is not over-rated, and I think the thing I am doing at the moment is very much the right thing. What I do post-qualification is anybody's guess, but the rigid reliance on 'ambition' and 'hard work' as a means of personal salvation has run its course. I think one may be perfectly 'succesful' without set aims or goals simply by doing whatever it is in front of you well. But, generally, I have no idea what to do. I have never had any strong ambitions, only affectations - and I am beginning to think that the aforementioned reliance on ambition and hard work was in itself little more than an affectation, albeit one which was more practically benefitial than others.

Sometimes I wonder why I write this at all. It's all perfectly obvious.

Meanwhile I am enjoying the fruits of an 8-and-a-half day holiday. Tomorrow I am back to work, if only for one day before the weekend starts. Thus I will have had a week of Sundays followed by a Friday!